Hi, this is me, the not-so-very-optimistic semi-adult who get anxious 12 out of 10 times about 20 days a month. An example of my paranoia, before every journey while I enthusiastically look forward to it for weeks, I also think that there’s going to be a crash because some moron will jump a signal or the ‘left phalange of the airplane’ will go missing and that will be it. If nothing else, my luggage will go missing. This is in addition to the generic fears every woman in the country has on top of their minds.
On a regular day when I leave home, I lock everything, turn off the gas and still fear that something catastrophic will happen and by the time I return, my room would have disappeared (note to self: must take a break from Murakami). I seal every gap in the room to avoid the uninvited occasional wall reptile (I’m not using the name because it scars the bejesus out of me and I also think that if I say it out, it will appear in my life). So basically, trust doesn’t come easily to me, one of the biggest reasons why I have only handful of ‘my people’ in life. I have several such hypothetical fatal versions of this paranoia, for every urban situation and person. Much like the Google search for any minor health symptom that eventually leads you cancer scare!
Inevitably, I think there will be a lonely death. I stay away from family and a lot of friends, so lonely. Also, in the new city, it’s death in unknown places and the fear of being unidentified. So much hypothetical anxiety that on some days I wake in the middle of the night trying to figure out if I’m still on earth or floating between heaven and hell (not sure what I deserve so…). Then, I also try to figure out who will erase my digital identity when I leave this materialistic world, who can I entrust with my passwords and et al. Bigger question, will I be able to transcend? And then I put together the funeral guest list (it gets updated regularly). This is how a part of my brain works.
But to my own surprise, these fears vanish when I visit places which are closer to nature and have zero phone connectivity. Something about the minimalistic lifestyle seems alluring and warms the cockles of my heart. To an extent that I am even okay giving up on my curly hair products (they are quite dear to me).
There’s a constant subtle smile, I wake up early to soak in the morning quiet, uninterrupted sweet melancholy and calm, that feels like a long warm hug from life. The probability of anything disastrous happening in the wild is multi-fold but strangely, there’s no trepidation or inhibition.
I think the human anxiety is caused by human interactions and everything the world asks of you. Just like the lion, in the jungle, in the mighty jungle with a quiet village nearby, I think I can also sleep peacefully every night. And, the old lady in me resolves the issues with the voices in my head. So, it’s all good.
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
sindulgence 